Thursday, July 28, 2011

Just another day, hangin' with my grandfather . . .

I was on the road delivering papers with Papa D this afternoon after Job 3. And as usual, hanging out with my grandfather can be interesting. Someone really ought to get me a digital recorder to take on the road with me, because this shit is priceless. Some of the things that he says, you just roll your eyes, while others make your jaw drop, and other times you just shake your head in wonder. As in, if the DMV knew about his memory, would they have just renewed his license?

As we started to deliver in Town, he mentioned at least three times (in the first 30 minutes), that tomorrow (Friday) we'd be delivering to Fall River and Burney, plus 4 other places.

I politely asked, "Aren't I doing those stops this weekend when I deliver?" (meaning the 4 other places)

He replies with an inhaling hiss, and a face that says, 'I don't think so, Tim', and says, "Well . . . I guess you could . . . I just wanted to get them out before all the events this weekend."

We go through this every month. My guess is that because he did the routes his way for so long, he just doesn't remember the changes that were made when I came to Sticksville. Plus, I had no idea what events he was speaking of for this weekend. There isn't anything big going on this weekend in NorCal . . . at least not our section of it. I let it go.

Later, as we were driving over the pass to get home, he mentions this weekend again.

PD: "Well, I just really want to get these delivered before the 4th."

I was a wee bit confused . . . the 4th? Of July? It's nearly August.

Me: "The 4th?? It's nearly August 1st."

He started laughing, "Oh jeez. Well, there's a thing at Eagle Lake. What is it?"

Me: "Eagle Lake? You mean the BBQ?"

PD: "Yeah, when is that?"

Me: "I don't remember. We can check at home."

Back home, we sat at the kitchen table, telling K about our afternoon delivering. Papa D checked a paper on the table and finds the ad for the BBQ at Eagle Lake - it's September 3rd. He pointed to it and told us, "That BBQ is on September 3rd; I really want to get these delivered before this BBQ this weekend."

K and I look at each other, a bit dumbfounded, and she said, "Honey, it's not even August yet!"

He laughed and said, "Oh jeez."

And the DMV just gave him another license.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Weather Reports

My grandfather kind of gets hung up on the weather report. Now, where we are, we don't have our own local station. Our "local" channels come from towns about 3 hours in any given direction. And all of them are somewhat messed up. At least, for our part of the country. Or so PD thinks. It's not like the weather guys get it right all the time every where else anyway.

This morning I went over to help feed, just like every other day.  There's a cool north breeze blowing making it a very nice morning. Although you still break a sweat pitching hay and the re-loading the hay truck with bales of hay. But there's still a promise of it being a warm day.

After feeding the horses, I climbed onto the back of the feed truck so we could go feed our weaned calves. On our way, he says to that it looks like it will be another warm day. I agreed. Then this conversation ensued:

PD: Did you see the weather report last night or this morning?

Me: No, I haven't.

PD: Well, you know that the reports we get aren't quite right.

Me: Yeah, I know.

PD: I was asking if you saw it to see if the report you saw was any different than what we saw.

Me: (trying not to laugh) Oh, um, I doubt it would be.

I had to turn my head away from the side mirror so that he didn't see me laughing. I just thought it was hilarious that he actually thought the weather report at my house was any different than the report at their house.

It just tickled my funny bone.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Lectures are so last season

Why does it seem that every old person despises any type of curse word?

Yes, I curse. Sometimes it's too much. Sometimes I deem it appropriate.

I do have the right of free speech. So when I say something like, "re-typing my fucking story", and I was really annoyed about something at the time. Like, super annoyed. I don't need some older person commenting on such a thing with "Shame on you for using the f-word, now I need to wash your mouth out with soap".

Because I'm quite sure they've cursed. And I'm sure their kids curse. And quite possibly their grandkids.  I watch my mouth around people I don't know, when I'm at work, around family, and in certain situations or places where it wouldn't be appropriate to say anything worse than "crap".

Besides, I'm pretty sure they're not perfect either. So quit judging. I've already had my grandparents (who are also my employer) censor my other blog. Facebook and this blog won't be censored.

If I'm pissed, you'll know it. If I'm sad, you'll know it. If I'm happy, yep, you'll know it.

Judgers can get off their high horses.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Bachmann and Santorum Can Suck A Fart.

There really ought to be a law that keeps douche-canoes from running for president. Or any political office of any kind. This is why I despise politics - there are too many fucking idiots trying to outdo each other and don't use the brain filter that keeps stupid shit from spewing forth. And the fact that someone, in this day and age, can have such prejudicial feelings and can make such fucked up statements is the front runner Republican candidate for president makes me want to move anywhere but here. Please click here to read the article I'm referring to.

A few days ago, Michelle Gagman Bachmann signed a pledge or vow or whatever the hell you want to call it, that had this in the opening statement:

"Slavery had a disastrous impact on African-American families, yet sadly a child born into slavery in 1860 was more likely to be raised by his mother and father in a two-parent household than was an African-American baby born after the election of the USA's first African-American President."

Now, anyone in their right fucking mind and running for political office (in my mind) should have steered clear of anything with such a statement. If I remember right from my history classes, slaves where bought and sold on a regular basis and it was extremely rare for a family to not be separated at any given point - because their master's didn't give a shit. Also, the women were raped on a fairly regular basis - how fucking healthy is that for a child to grow up knowing that their mother is nothing more than some asshole's sex doll? Then I saw this:

"It's not clear whether Bachmann was aware of the slavery passage on the first page."

Um, what jackwagon signs something without reading it? Evidently, both Gagman Bachmann and some other douche nozzle named Rick Santorum signed some document about marriage vows.

"The Marriage Vow - A Declaration of Dependence Upon Marriage and Family,", their campaigns emphasized that the "candidate vow" portion of the pledge that they put their stamps of approval on didn't mention slavery. Instead, it condemned gay marriage, abortion, infidelity and pornography."

Now, if it was purposefully held from that, the whole bit about slavery, then that's one thing. Then the douche-baggery falls onto this Iowa group for witholding vital information from the jackwagon politians. However, while I understand that everyone has their own political view, their own familial views and all that stuff, is it really necessary to flat out say that your condemning homosexuality, abortion, infidelity, and pornography? Not everyone is into porn, I get that. So don't fucking watch it. Most people don't like infedelity (even though it happens a lot), so really, we didn't need to sign some vow about how much we hate it. Abortion is a woman's choice. It's a her choice what she does with her own body, whether or not anyone else agrees with her. I myself could not do it, unless perhaps there were extenuating circumstances, but I cannot tell another woman not to do it. It's her fucking right. Then I saw this at the bottom of the article about Santorum's view on abortion:

"He told the Christian Broadcasting Network that for decades, slavery allowed blacks to be treated like property. He said fetuses are denied the right to life because they are considered property."

I think smoke came out of my ears. For thousands of years across the globe (or what was considered the "globe" thousands of years ago), slaves were considered property. Bought and sold like any other commodity. Eventually people came to their senses and realized that those slaves are, in fact, people, too and perhaps should be treated as such. However, maybe it's just me, but I don't think that people these days think of a fetus as "property". I know I sure as shit don't. Nor does my family. Nor do my friends. While I realize there are women out there that, in a sense, give abortion a bad name by using that as their form of birth control, my bet is that a lot of women actually give it some thought. It's a big decision. I would hope that the average woman would make an educated decision about whether or not she's capable (financially, physically, emotionally, etc.) of raising a child and caring for it. I know women who have had abortions. Do I think any less of them? Nope. Not at all. They simply made a decision based on how their lives were. Some regretted it, or still felt sad about it, but in the end they know they made the right decision at that time. And that, folks, is what really matters.

 While homosexuality is not my preference, again, far be it for me to tell another how to live. If that's what floats your boat and makes you happy, then you have a right to pursue happiness. I cannot understand how people think that gay marriage is ruining the world and is a threat to the institution of marriage. Okay, then how many heterosexual couple make it these days? It's not the gays fault that hetero's divorce 50% of the time. Being gay does not make them bad people. People who love each other and want to share it with their families should have a fucking right to do so.

"She stands by the points that are outlined in the pledge," she said. "Particularly the ones for strong marriage. She's been happily married for 32 years. That's the focus of the pledge."

Should I tell her that my Granny & Granddad were married for 66 years? Kinda blows her 32 years out of the water. Yes, marriage has somewhat become a farce in a sense - as soon as it gets tough, someone files for divorce. It's sad to see so many marriages ending in divorce - I don't care if it's been 6 months or 40 years. It's terrible to see families split up and kids used as chess pieces so that adults can get what they want. But I'll tell you this - Gagman Bachmann signing this pledge isn't going to improve anything. The only way divorce will die down is if people try their absolute hardest to make it work.

If she gets elected, I'm moving to another country and say I'm Canadian. (note to self: find passport) Everyone likes Canadians. Not only that, but I'd be too fucking embarrassed to be from a country that elects such a fucktard. I'm embarrassed that she's a Republican front runner - because I tend to vote Republican. Please don't hold that against me - because I wouldn't vote for her if she were the last politician in the universe. Nor the other douche-canoe.

Sticking a fork in my eye would be preferable. Although I'd really hate for it to come to that. So therefore, these douche nozzles can suck a fart out of my ass.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Photographic or Pornographic?

Old(er) people can be good for a few laughs.

The first time this happened to me I was nearly insulted. By the end of the day, I thought it was fucking hilarious. When it still happens (and yes, it actually has), I just give my grandfather "the look".

Awhile back, as PD and I were delivering papers, a tiny issue arose. He was kind of quizzing me about things he had told me about, like names of mountains or where our next delivery stop was. He praises my memory quite often, because let's face it - mine is 100 times better than his at this point. There are so many times he doesn't remember that he just told me what he's telling me not 5 minutes before. And whenever we're on the road, he says that my memory is wonderful and even a couple times he claims it has saved his life. In reality, it didn't save his life. My memory told him where he had written down someone's name for an article.

Anyway, on this particular delivery day, he starts praising my wonderful memory and then spits out: "It must be nice to have a pornographic memory."

*insert crickets here*
*insert horrified look on my face here*

I couldn't spit a word out. He saw the look on my face and then said, "Photographic? Pornographic? I get those two confused all the time."

All I could do was sputter, "Photographic! Photographic! Photographic!!!"

Now, I'm not saying I do or don't have a pornographic memory. However, that is none of my grandfather's business.

And for a guy who is into photography, you would think that he wouldn't get photograhpic mixed up with pornographic.

But maybe it's just me.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Half-Assed Weekend

I'm sure I cannot possibly be the only one who opens a box to assemble something, and sees the pamphlet that tells you "assembly time: 5 minutes". This is quite possibly one of the biggest fucking lies of all time.

Last weekend, while I was in the city delivering papers and visiting my family, I was also shopping. Due to the fact that my home location is so remote that the nearest Gag Wal-mart is over two hours away, I tend to do the majority of my shopping in the city, which is about 3 hours away. I even take a cooler - usually someone else's. Anyway, I had asked my parents to add to their short Costco list of mine an 18" oscillating fan. That sucker was going in my bedroom and my tiny little 12" fan was leaving.

They promptly forgot. Actually, I believe it was my dad who did Costco and therefore, forgot the fan. He did buy me two 36 packs of Diet Pepsi. One was plenty.

So, off I went the next morning to find me a fan. I found one at Target. And it even has a remote . . . which I don't have batteries for. So the remote is pointless until I remember to get some AAA batteries. Whatever.

I got home Monday evening and it seriously took me about an hour just to unload the car and unpack shit. Oy ve. I had a lot of stuff in my car.

That's just the back seat. The pic doesn't include back seat floor boards, the front seat, nor the "trunk" - which was loaded with about 30 or so bundles of papers at the time.

My house was hot when I got home, so getting my fan assembled was a top priority. At first I thought I could multi-task by calling my BFF back and assemble said fan. I couldn't have been more wrong. So I spent about an hour or so on the phone, sitting on the couch . . . sweating . . . staring at the fan trying to will it to assemble itself. The reason I couldn't multi-task was I couldn't pay attention to my BFF's portion of the conversation and comprehend the fucked up diagram that was sitting in front of me.

Now, this isn't the first fan I've put together. I don't remember having trouble putting the smaller ones together. Maybe I've been out of college too long? I'm forgetting the basics?

As soon as I'm off the phone, I'm on that fan like flies on shit. I get everything done and then attempt to put the front grill on. The little side clips don't seem to want to work the way I believe they should. And they give you the tiniest screw and nut to work with. I cannot tell you how many times I had to get down on the floor on all fours with a flashlight to fight the damned things because I kept dropping them.

I finally get the front grill screwed on and attempt the clips some more. Nothing changes. So not counting the hour I was on the phone, that damn fan took me about an hour to put together. Five minutes my ass.

I figure that basically as long as the front grill doesn't fall off in the middle of the night and scare the living shit out of me, then it's all good.

And the fan was worth the $40, and the scavenger hunts. I've been freezing my ass off for a week. It's awesome.